By Ash Stevens

Scowling geezer from Flickr: Neil Moralee

You’ve put in your time working, raising kids, paying off your mortgage, and now… Well, now you’re old. Yes, these are supposed to be the “golden years,” but some days the only thing that looks goldish is the urine bag strapped to our leg. The days of bad backs and broken hips lie ahead of us. Consider the fabulous situations that await you…

Geezer-Worthy Bathrooms: Getting on and off the john ain’t easy with half a hip. Now that bathroom wall gets to be decorated with bars like some cross fit gym. But there won’t be any working out here! The grandkids will use them as pullup bars but, for us, they just get us on and off the toilet. Hopefully…

Prune Infusions: We ain’t gettin’ any younger, and neither are those bowels. Now those weekend brunch mimosas have been replaced with prune juice and Metamucil cocktails (no joke). But even though we’re constipated, we’ll be wearing matching diapers with the grandkids because that colon doesn’t have the power to wait for us to beeline it for the bathroom in a walker.

Wheelchair Roadblocks: The days of playing around in bumper cars may be over, but now you get to play bumper wheelchairs. And you don’t need to be at the fair to play either! You can do it every single day with the sink, the table, the counters, the dog, and pretty much everything else you’re trying to use, talk to, or to get around. Pimp up that ride with a sweet new bumper and some blingin’ chrome — aka scratch-resistant — rims. That should pair up real nice with that urine bag and those flashy diabetes travel totes…

Insane Remodels: Remember the days of stepping in and out of the shower? Well, those are over now. Arthritic knees and busted hips make bending and stepping a thing of the past, and that means everything in our house now gets to be replaced. That toilet? Too low. The bathtub? Too high. The sink? Impossible to get to. Start saving up for it all now because the typical bathroom remodel costs over $9000. The upside is that our grandkids will think we’re rockin’ hipsters since we only ever eat Top Ramen.

Self-Tracking Device: Everyone else has GPS for directions, but you have GPS for yourself. Figuring out where we’re going, where we came from, and why we’re going anywhere in the first place have now become life’s biggest questions. Each… And every… Day. Brain farts exist no more because now… Now the brain IS a fart!

Now look at that! There’s so much more to those golden years than calcium chews and meager social security checks. But don’t wet yourself in excitement now! There will be plenty of time for that in the years to come.

Contact the author at http://onedamngoodwoman.com