By Ash Stevens
Youâ€™ve put in your time working, raising kids, paying off your mortgage, and nowâ€¦ Well, now youâ€™re old. Yes, these are supposed to be the â€œgolden years,â€ but some days the only thing that looks goldish is the urine bag strapped to our leg. The days of bad backs and broken hips lie ahead of us. Consider the fabulous situations that await youâ€¦
Geezer-Worthy Bathrooms: Getting on and off the john ainâ€™t easy with half a hip. Now that bathroom wall gets to be decorated with bars like some cross fit gym. But there wonâ€™t be any working out here! The grandkids will use them as pullup bars but, for us, they just get us on and off the toilet. Hopefully…
Prune Infusions: We ainâ€™t gettinâ€™ any younger, and neither are those bowels. Now those weekend brunch mimosas have been replaced with prune juice and Metamucil cocktails (no joke). But even though weâ€™re constipated, weâ€™ll be wearing matching diapers with the grandkids because that colon doesnâ€™t have the power to wait for us to beeline it for the bathroom in a walker.
Wheelchair Roadblocks: The days of playing around in bumper cars may be over, but now you get to play bumper wheelchairs. And you donâ€™t need to be at the fair to play either! You can do it every single day with the sink, the table, the counters, the dog, and pretty much everything else youâ€™re trying to use, talk to, or to get around. Pimp up that ride with a sweet new bumper and some blinginâ€™ chrome — aka scratch-resistant — rims. That should pair up real nice with that urine bag and those flashy diabetes travel totesâ€¦
Insane Remodels: Remember the days of stepping in and out of the shower? Well, those are over now. Arthritic knees and busted hips make bending and stepping a thing of the past, and that means everything in our house now gets to be replaced. That toilet? Too low. The bathtub? Too high. The sink? Impossible to get to. Start saving up for it all now because the typical bathroom remodel costs over $9000. The upside is that our grandkids will think weâ€™re rockinâ€™ hipsters since we only ever eat Top Ramen.
Self-Tracking Device: Everyone else has GPS for directions, but you have GPS for yourself. Figuring out where weâ€™re going, where we came from, and why weâ€™re going anywhere in the first place have now become lifeâ€™s biggest questions. Each… And every… Day. Brain farts exist no more because nowâ€¦ Now the brain IS a fart!
Now look at that! Thereâ€™s so much more to those golden years than calcium chews and meager social security checks. But donâ€™t wet yourself in excitement now! There will be plenty of time for that in the years to come.
Contact the author at http://onedamngoodwoman.com