Having spent our youth polluting the earth by preparing red-dyed Jell-O and washing our V-8 Chevys with garden hoses, we geezers now want to change our ways. It’s time to go green!

We want to be environmentally correct so when we are lowered into the brown dirt, the sky above us will be blue. So below are a few modest proposals for how geezers can contribute to a greener earth.

Let’s begin by lowering our consumption of food so less energy can be spent on farming. To do this, grocery stores should charge seniors higher prices to encourage less eating. A piece of fruit for breakfast, two carrots for lunch, and tofu and beans for dinner should be plenty.

If you, you fatty, must have more food, buy smart. When you’re at the supermarket, tear off only the leaves you need from those heads of lettuce – one a day should be fine. Bring a large bowl and pour only the breakfast cereal you’ll need for the week. Leave the package on the shelf for some other environmentally conscious green geezer to use.

If you must cook, forget the gas and electric ranges which suck up energy. Haven’t you heard of candle cooking? Put your pot on top of a few burning candles. As your food cooks, the air can be filled with the sweet smell of jasmine. You food may take a bit longer to cook, but eventually it will get done. Who knows, maybe you’ll lose your appetite by the time your food is ready. In which case, be sure to dump the food into your compost heap.

Naturally you’ll have a compost heap for your organic garden. Then you can grow your own vegetables – or let the vegetables go to the bugs, birds, coyotes, or bears in your neighborhood. Animals need to eat too.

As you know, making electricity burns up a lot of oil. So we geezers must “think green” and lead the way in electrical savings. Of course, you’ll want to replace your old Edison-type light bulbs. They went out with the 20th century. But let’s take it a step further. Since our eyesight is not what it used to be, let’s just keep our lights off. Since you don’t want to fall and break a hip by walking around in the dark at night, just sit quietly.

But don’t watch TV, which uses more electricity. Instead use one of those emergency radios with a hand crank.

Lowering our carbon footprint is another way to contribute to an environmentally-sound world. One way we senior citizens can do this is by breathing less, thus putting less carbon dioxide in the air. Practice with small, short breaths, taking in less and less air. Don’t move around too much as this requires more oxygen intake. You can take a few extra breaths when you’re cranking the emergency radio.

Water conservation is also where geezers can do their part. Wash cycles use a lot of water. Consolidate your wash loads, mixing colored and white clothes. Let the colors run! We lose our ability to see colors when we get older anyway. And if you’re sitting in the dark who can see your clothes?

Pets offer green opportunities. Since many seniors are retired, they have time to train their cats and dogs to use the toilet. No poop littering the streets or cat litter cluttering the garbage. Give it a try!

Sometimes we geezers have to think out of the box about caring for the environment. For example, how can you go green with sex?

Two in a shower saves water. When the action moves to the bedroom (after all, slipping in the shower can be harmful to your bones), remember to shut the water off. In winter, your lovemaking can heat up your bed like a 20th century light bulb, which means the thermostat can be lowered.

Finally, even in death we can go green. Crematoriums use electricity, so forget them. Just have your family throw you in the compost heap. You’ll be returning to the food chain. But for those of you who insist on being buried, consider a cardboard coffin – it’s biodegradable.

Now be creative. Think up some other environmentally-friendly tips as you sit quietly in the dark, eating your tofu and beans, and cranking your radio.