Boomers are going to be big spenders in retirement. Companies whose products are aimed at the 18 to 49 year old marketplace (e.g. slasher movies, rap CDs, tattoo parlors, and nipple ring manufacturers, to name a few) are not appealing to these geezers. For those companies that want to get ahead of the curve, think about promoting products that take boomers to the next level – try us, we’ll buy!

Vehicle sold to us now? Mobility Scooters. These lightweight compact babies can go from 0 to 25 in 30 seconds flat. We use them to rock and roll through retail racks, plow through frozen food aisles, and tour local garage sales. What’s the next level?

The Hummer scooter. If your active lifestyle includes mountain climbing, this will be your baby. You’ll barely break a sweat going up and down the Grand Canyon with its four on the floor and 4X4 double helix jet-engine. Nobody will beat you to the early-bird buffet if you’re in the seat of this machine. Just turn on the afterburners and “Whoa Nelly!” you’re at the head of the line. Command the dance floor with optional hi-lo struts that allow you to raise and lower each wheel in tune with the beat.

Body improvement product sold to us now? Dentures. They provide natural looking teeth that will let you smile so brightly you have to give out complimentary sunglasses. Comfortable? They slip in and out like your favorite pair of shoes. You can chew apples, corn, and the cob itself. What’s the next level?

Steel toes. No more stubbed toes with these tough little piggly wigglies. Problem opening a jar? Just stick it between your feet and spin that lid off. And think of the kicking possibilities. Children who want to move back in? Boot them out the door. Investment advisor? Punt him across the street. And last, but not least, steel toes would be great for kicking the bucket.

Clothing sold to us now? Active wear. Jogging pants and matching tops let you nattily jaunt down the street while keeping youthfully fit. These outfits come in all colors and stripes to match your hair or your mood. What’s the next level?

Flesh colored body stocking. Nobody wants to see a naked senior, but everybody wants to look hot. Skin tight body stockings, in race-matching colors will compact your body back to model size. Women, get those curves back. Men, stuff socks in the garment to enhance certain areas, such as chest muscles. Who says you have to be active to look good?

Food products sold to use now? Organic vegetables. Grown in dirt recovered from the 50s and nurtured by the dung of roving cows, these vegetables provide seniors with strength and stamina that Popeye could only dream of. What’s the next level?

Space vegetables.Hand grown outside the earth’s atmosphere in window boxes attached to the International space station these vegetables will be supercharged with the sun’s direct energy, unfettered by ozone or blue sky. Harvested once a year and flown back to the earth in black moon bags, these vegetables will be available only from NASA. They’ll be delivered to your door by retired astronauts in space suits. Be sure to eat your vegetables in the dark within 24 hours of receipt to capture all the universal nutrients.

Travel product sold to us now? Cruising. Lounging by one of the three pools. Food. Deck sitting. Watching distant waves from your cabin’s veranda. And did we mention the food? Available dawn to dusk and on to midnight and beyond. What’s the next level?

Poverty tour. Boomers want to be involved. So offer us a glimpse of life that can only be seen in National Geographic specials. Travel to the heart of third world countries where we’ll get to wear rags and beg in the streets. We’ll be covered in garbage and have a few teeth knocked out so we’ll fit right in. No hotels at night – just a thin moth-eaten blanket that someone will probably steal. For a small additional fee we’ll be given a part time job (10 hours of work for 12 cents) in a sweat shop that makes designer clothes for sale in upscale retail stores.

For another travel article, read Exotic Travel, Yes — Health Talk, No.