There was a time, which is now, when there were seven words you absolutely could not say in any medium, except cable TV. To those must be added five more words, which have been banned from all media, advertising, and even cable TV.
I am being allowed to use them here only because I have received written permission from the FCC.
Without further ado, the five words are â€œsenior,â€ â€œold,â€ â€œaging,â€ â€œelderly,â€ and â€œmature.â€
Elderly. Good riddance to this word since no one ever used it anyway. Even when there actually were old people, this word was not used. It always had the word â€œinfirmedâ€ attached. So if you were elderly, you were in a wheelchair or had a cane. It was supposed to be used in a kindly fashion, such as â€œJohnny, give up your seat for this elderly man,â€ but when Johnny got up, the elderly man, who didnâ€™t want to be thought of as elderly, refused to sit in the seat, leading to a lot of ticked off people who had to stand while a seat went empty, resulting in the association of crotchety with elderly, thus giving the word an even worse connotation than when it started. So, in fact, elderly, was the first of our five words to go.
Old. Nobody ever wants to be old. Old means stepping on the ice flow with the Walrus. Kukukachoo. Old meant being shipped off to homes with the word â€œoldâ€ in it so you could die. Old meant â€œnot young.â€ So the word â€œoldâ€ was simply banned from the language unless you could use it to modify something non-human like â€œold school,â€ â€œold building,â€ â€œold collectibleâ€ (which then became â€œvintage collectibleâ€) Did you know that the book â€œOld Yellowâ€ was renamed â€œGolden Aged Doggie?â€ Old still can be used in sentences, but only those that refer to the young such as â€œHow old is that brat?â€
Senior. At one time this was a fine word indicating someone was 65 and eligible for Social Security. Then the retirement age changed to 66. So who was a senior now? Then movies needed more viewers, so senior discount tickets moved down to 62. Then supermarkets wanted to create a loyal base of senior customers, so the senior discount program began at age 60. Then restaurants wanted to attract more patrons so eligible ages for senior meals began to drop, resulting in 55 year olds being able to order bland turkey and saltless soggy green beans. Then the AARP said you could join at 50 to get those hotel discounts. Because senior is now anywhere from 50 to whatever depending on the discount you qualify for, it no longer has meaning and is banned.
Mature. This term still has some good uses when referring to Snappers [Ages 13 to 30 — See What’s a Geezer, Anyway for details.]. When they get that high school degree, when they finish college, when grad school is over â€“ whenever any of these events occurs AND the Snapper gets a job, they are said to be mature. Of course, if they pick some bum or slut to marry, they lose this mature designation. After they divorce them and get stuck with alimony or raising a child on their own, they again become â€œmature.â€ But this term is not to be used with anyone, married or single, over the age of 40. Because in that case mature indicates wrinkles, sagging boobs and bellies, and hair growing out of facial orifices. Male actors avoid this â€œmatureâ€ designation by being sure their leading ladies are about 21 and a sex scene is included. Female actors who are considered â€œmatureâ€ just donâ€™t work, unless they can play the hip mother of a teenager.
Aging. This word is banned because humans no longer age. Youâ€™ve heard â€œSixty is the new thirty.â€ Ninety will be â€œthe new thirty redux.â€ By continuing this 30 year cycle we will never have to be 35. Aging can also be avoided by munching multivitamins, injecting Botox, pumping iron, popping Viagra, and squeezing into leather jeans. And any other activity that lets you deny bodily changes. â€œAging,â€ however, can still be used when referring to beef.
So, remember, any time you want to use one of these offensive five words, simply substitute the term “active adult.”